It’s one of the most common things I hear in couples therapy: “We love each other… but the spark just isn’t there anymore.”
Long-term relationships are built on routine, stability, and deep companionship. However, those same qualities that create safety can also soften the edges of desire. Life gets busy. Stress piles up. Intimacy becomes another item on the to-do list—or disappears altogether.
If you’re in this place, you’re not alone. And you’re not broken.
Desire doesn’t fade because something is wrong—it fades because it hasn’t been tended to. The good news? It can be rekindled. Not by trying harder or chasing the honeymoon phase, but by learning how to reconnect with yourself, your partner, and the emotional context in which desire thrives.
What follows aren’t quick fixes. These are fundamental, research-backed strategies I use in sessions with couples who are ready to rediscover intimacy in their relationship and rebuild physical connection.
Here’s where to begin.
5 Ways to Rekindle Desire in Your Relationship
These aren’t quick fixes—but they’re real, proven strategies that work when practiced consistently. These intimacy exercises from couples therapy have helped hundreds of couples start rekindling their desire for one another!
1. Start with Connection, Not Pressure
One of the biggest myths about sexual desire is that it should return if you just put in more effort—schedule more date nights, buy the right lingerie, or simply “make time” for sex. But desire rarely thrives under pressure. In fact, pressure is often the very thing that shuts it down.
Sexual intimacy is most sustainable when it’s rooted in emotional safety. That’s where true connection begins.
Instead of jumping straight to physical touch, focus on rebuilding your emotional bond. Set aside just 10 minutes a day to check in—not about chores or schedules, but about how you’re each feeling. What’s been hard? What’s been beautiful? Where have you felt unseen?
Touch without an agenda also goes a long way. A hand on the back as you pass in the hallway. A kiss that isn’t a prelude to anything else. These small, connective gestures remind each other: “I see you. I’m with you. We’re still here.”
When emotional intimacy is nurtured, physical intimacy often begins to return—not as a demand, but as a natural extension of closeness.
2. Schedule ‘Willingness Windows’ (Not Just Date Nights)
Desire doesn’t always arrive on cue—and for many people, it doesn’t arrive until arousal has already begun. This is known as ‘responsive desire‘, a concept brought into mainstream awareness by sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski. It’s especially common in long-term relationships and among individuals juggling stress, parenting, or demanding careers.
So if you’re waiting to feel “in the mood” before initiating intimacy, you might be waiting a while.
Instead, try carving out what I call willingness windows—moments where you both agree to show up with openness and curiosity. This isn’t about forcing sex into your calendar or making the relationship solely about physical intimacy.
It’s about making space for connection to emerge.
That might look like a massage, slow dancing in the kitchen, or simply lying together with eye contact and gentle touch. The goal isn’t performance. The goal is presence.
These windows create the conditions for desire to arise, without pressure, shame, or expectation.
3. Prioritise Affectionate Touch and Outer-Course
When physical intimacy has been dormant for a while, jumping straight to intercourse can feel intimidating—or even alienating. That’s why one of the most powerful ways to reawaken desire is to take the goal off the table altogether.
Enter outer-course—affectionate, non-goal-oriented physical intimacy. This includes cuddling, kissing, spooning, shared showers, sensual massage, or mindful touch.
Touch without pressure helps rebuild the foundation of trust, safety, and anticipation that desire rests on. It sends a message: “We don’t have to go anywhere. I just want to be close to you.”
When physical closeness becomes a source of comfort again, rather than performance anxiety or obligation, it becomes much easier for desire to resurface naturally.
4. Change the Context, Not Just the Routine
Many couples assume they need to do more to spark desire—more date nights, time together, and effort. But often, it’s not just about the activity. It’s about the environment in which intimacy takes place.
Desire thrives on novelty, sensory stimulation, and imagination. If intimacy always happens in the same bed, at the same time, in the same way, it can start to feel like another routine.
Instead, think about erotic context. Can you create a space that invites pleasure? That might mean soft lighting, music that stirs something, or simply a shift in setting—from the bedroom to the living room, or even a weekend away.
Esther Perel writes, “Eroticism thrives in the space between the known and the unknown.” You don’t need grand gestures—just small changes that invite you to see each other with fresh eyes.
5. Reignite Your Individual Spark
Desire isn’t something your partner gives you—it’s something you access within yourself. And if you’ve been running on empty, it’s no surprise that your libido has gone quiet.
When you feel disconnected from your own sense of vitality, it’s hard to bring energy into your relationship. That’s why one of the most important steps in reigniting desire is reconnecting with yourself.
What lights you up? What makes you feel sensual, creative, or alive?
This might mean dancing, journaling, walking in nature, exploring a solo pleasure practice, or simply carving out space that is yours alone, when you feel more connected to your own body, emotions, and imagination, that energy naturally begins to radiate outward.
And your relationship benefits, too—not because you’re trying harder, but because you’re showing up more fully.
How to Regain Intimacy in Your Relationship: FAQs
If you’re serious about learning how to increase intimacy in a relationship that seems to have gone stale, you probably still feel unsure and potentially scared to put in the effort without assurance that it will rekindle desire in your relationship.
Here are a couple of other questions I get often while working with couples in therapy.
Is it normal for sexual desire to fade over time?
Yes, it is normal.
In the early stages of a relationship, desire is often fuelled by novelty and neurochemistry—dopamine, adrenaline, and the excitement of discovery. But over time, familiarity settles in. Life demands attention. And that early spark naturally quiets.
This isn’t a failure. It’s an invitation to shift from chasing spontaneous desire to cultivating responsive desire.
Cultivating responsive desire—desire that arises from connection, safety, and presence—is often far more sustainable and deeply fulfilling.
Can a sexless relationship survive?
It depends.
Some couples are content with little or no sexual activity, especially if they feel connected in other ways. For others, a lack of physical intimacy leads to frustration, loneliness, or a sense of disconnection.
The key isn’t how much sex you’re having. It’s whether your needs—and your partner’s—are being heard and respected.
If desire has become a source of tension or silence, it may be time to explore those conversations with compassion, or with the help of a therapist who can help create space for them.
What if my partner isn’t interested in trying?
That’s painful—and more common than you might think.
Often, resistance isn’t about a lack of love. It’s about fear: fear of rejection, of failing, of opening up old wounds. A gentle approach helps. Instead of “Why don’t you want sex?” try, “I miss feeling close to you. Can we talk about that?”
If you’ve tried figuring out how to bring intimacy back into a relationship and still feel stuck, a good couples therapist can offer a safe, structured environment for both partners to explore what’s really going on, without blame or pressure.
BOOK A FREE 20-MINUTE CONSULTATION CALLHow long does it take to rebuild sexual desire?
There’s no universal timeline.
Some couples begin to feel a shift within a few weeks of intentional effort. For others, especially where past hurt or trauma is involved, it can take months or longer.
One way to expedite this healing is through a Couples Intensive Programme.
What matters most is consistency, openness, and patience. Rebuilding desire isn’t about quick fixes. It’s about creating a climate where intimacy can grow again—gently, steadily, and with mutual care.
The Goal Isn’t ‘Back to the Honeymoon Phase’—It’s Something Better
It’s tempting to long for the early days—the spark, the spontaneity, the ease of desire when everything was new. It may even lead you to question whether you want to be in the relationship at all.
But here’s the truth: the honeymoon phase isn’t a benchmark. It’s a beginning.
That early chemistry was effortless because it was fuelled by novelty. What comes next—the intimacy you build over time—is something more profound. More intentional. More real.
The goal isn’t to go backward. It’s to grow into a new kind of connection. One where desire is practiced, not just felt. One where intimacy is chosen, not assumed. One where you both feel seen, wanted, and safe—not because everything is perfect, but because you’re willing to show up, again and again.
After doing extensive training in sexual medicine and sexuality and working with hundreds of couples, I know how to provide a supportive space for you to discuss your relational intimacy and effective treatments to start improving it.
Desire is a skill. It’s something you can rebuild with time, curiosity, and care.
If you’re ready to start regaining that spark in your relationship, let’s chat over a free 20-minute consultation call.